This is remarkable. I really could have used this essay in my teens — when I was trying to figure out the “rules” of small talk and being so confused as to how people just made conversations happen.
I've read this several times and it's STILL worth a reread. I'm definitely a 'taker' and you explain so well why I have great conversations with some people (other 'takers') and not others. This piece also helps me feel better about not being a 'giver' and reminds me of how to be a better 'taker'.
this is a meaningful and hilarious piece. thank you for sharing it!
some of my favorite lines:
"Givers think that conversations unfold as a series of invitations; takers think conversations unfold as a series of declarations."
"Talking to another person is like rock climbing, except you are my rock wall and I am yours. If you reach up, I can grab onto your hand, and we can both hoist ourselves skyward. Maybe that’s why a really good conversation feels a little bit like floating."
"I’m thrilled to tell you about the 126 escape rooms I’ve done, but my love for paying people $35 to lock me in a room blinds me to the fact that you don’t care."
An artist and scientist! Always proof of a profound mind.
I have no idea what it means to pay $35 to escape from a room or why you’ve done it so often, but combined with putting yourself on a stage needing to come up with a song and sing it means you are clearly a pirate looking for a plank.
Thank you for this thoughtful piece; I've been thinking I need to be a better listener and ask better questions; you've stated the guardrails for that thought.
One thing I have noticed about conversations with others at a party, whether they are strangers or acquaintances: after about 5-10 minutes, usually one of us will have a conversational off-ramp, like "I need to freshen my drink" or "I need to tell my spouse something". Perhaps it is just because they are bored with me.
The best I've ever done were in Hamburg, Germany, at Skurrilum. My favorite in the US is probably still Escape My Room in New Orleans, though I haven't played some of the games that everyone says are the best, like Lab Rats or The Man from Beyond. Any recs?
Skurrilum: that would be Wailing Woman and/or the Zoo of Death, I gather? Amazing games. When I first went there, they hadn't been fully translated (the voiceover was German) but I was _blown away_ by Wailing Woman and especially That One Moment (you know the one 🔥). Later I came back alongside some friends and lurked while they solved, and the voice was in English, and... it fell flat, they were like "why was this ranked so highly??" and I could actually see how their experience wasn't great. Interesting stuff to witness as an experience design wannabe. Escape My Room is great for sure! Did you make it to 13th Gate in Baton Rouge while you were there?
Recs: Depends where you're going! Montreal for example is an amazing escape room destination now, with a crop of amazing rooms at Escaparium, Immersia and Sauve Qui Peut. Barcelona, Athens, and Netherlands are the classic "golden triangle" of escape rooms and have dozens of standouts each. In the SF bay area where I live, Trivium and Omescape in Sunnyvale are fantastic; I'm affiliated with Palace Games in SF and we just launched a sort of hybrid minigolf experience...!
[obligatory tying this back to doorknobs somehow, but you sure did leave one open there for the handful of other weirdos]
“It’s easy to assume that givers are virtuous and takers are villainous, but that’s giver propaganda.” Love this. What a fun and visual way of describing conversation. Also cool research focus!
Adam, I thoroughly enjoyed this essay, which a friend recently forwarded to me. I’m excited to explore your other work. Like many people, I enjoy engaging with content in different ways, sometimes reading, sometimes listening, and I really appreciate that you included an audio version.
One suggestion: the audio allows listeners to speed up playback, but not to slow it down. At times, your natural enthusiasm leads you to read quickly, which can make it challenging to fully absorb your ideas. Some listeners, particularly those multitasking, may need a bit more time to process and switch focus. If you intentionally slowed your reading pace, it would provide greater accessibility and flexibility. Those who prefer a faster pace can always increase the playback speed, but a slower delivery would better accommodate everyone.
Thank you again for your thoughtful work. I’m looking forward to more!
Hey man, great essay. I just gotta say, one thing that I noticed as I started was you used the phrase "all of the sudden" instead of "all of a sudden".
Oh God! I'm equally horrified by all my past social interactions while simultaneously relieved to have an idea like doorknobs to save my future social interactions. I'm definitely a taker and conversations absolutely flounder for me , unless on the rare occasion I meet another taker. I've been trying to turn myself into a giver for years and just thought I was bad at conversations or that most people didn't want to talk to me. I love the idea of doorknobs to meet people in the middle.
The doorknob is a particularly useful metaphor for an affordance or a servo mechanism because it is something that we literally grasp with our hands. This makes it easy for us to relate to the idea of grasping (growing) what other people are saying or grasping the message you’re trying to convey. Very useful discussion here. Thank you very much.
I love the commentary you did in the voice over of the article, definitely added significantly to the experience of the article.
The article itself is also brilliant in it's content. You are able to make somewhat abstract ideas easy to visualize and understand even on a first reading. Thank you very much for your work.
This is remarkable. I really could have used this essay in my teens — when I was trying to figure out the “rules” of small talk and being so confused as to how people just made conversations happen.
What a great structuring! Thank you.
I remember thinking that asking questions was the key to conversion but that's just the giver in me!
You said it.
I've read this several times and it's STILL worth a reread. I'm definitely a 'taker' and you explain so well why I have great conversations with some people (other 'takers') and not others. This piece also helps me feel better about not being a 'giver' and reminds me of how to be a better 'taker'.
I think about this post all the time. Such a useful idea
And once again your Dad’s photography rocks…such a well composed shot and on film!
dear adam,
this is a meaningful and hilarious piece. thank you for sharing it!
some of my favorite lines:
"Givers think that conversations unfold as a series of invitations; takers think conversations unfold as a series of declarations."
"Talking to another person is like rock climbing, except you are my rock wall and I am yours. If you reach up, I can grab onto your hand, and we can both hoist ourselves skyward. Maybe that’s why a really good conversation feels a little bit like floating."
"I’m thrilled to tell you about the 126 escape rooms I’ve done, but my love for paying people $35 to lock me in a room blinds me to the fact that you don’t care."
thanks for sharing as always!
love
myq
more dittys please!!!
An artist and scientist! Always proof of a profound mind.
I have no idea what it means to pay $35 to escape from a room or why you’ve done it so often, but combined with putting yourself on a stage needing to come up with a song and sing it means you are clearly a pirate looking for a plank.
Thank you for this thoughtful piece; I've been thinking I need to be a better listener and ask better questions; you've stated the guardrails for that thought.
One thing I have noticed about conversations with others at a party, whether they are strangers or acquaintances: after about 5-10 minutes, usually one of us will have a conversational off-ramp, like "I need to freshen my drink" or "I need to tell my spouse something". Perhaps it is just because they are bored with me.
That might be the point where you've exhausted the easy intro questions, and you have to decide either whether to go a level deeper or cut and run.
I want to hear about your escape rooms hobby!! Where have you played and what was your favorite?
The best I've ever done were in Hamburg, Germany, at Skurrilum. My favorite in the US is probably still Escape My Room in New Orleans, though I haven't played some of the games that everyone says are the best, like Lab Rats or The Man from Beyond. Any recs?
Skurrilum: that would be Wailing Woman and/or the Zoo of Death, I gather? Amazing games. When I first went there, they hadn't been fully translated (the voiceover was German) but I was _blown away_ by Wailing Woman and especially That One Moment (you know the one 🔥). Later I came back alongside some friends and lurked while they solved, and the voice was in English, and... it fell flat, they were like "why was this ranked so highly??" and I could actually see how their experience wasn't great. Interesting stuff to witness as an experience design wannabe. Escape My Room is great for sure! Did you make it to 13th Gate in Baton Rouge while you were there?
Recs: Depends where you're going! Montreal for example is an amazing escape room destination now, with a crop of amazing rooms at Escaparium, Immersia and Sauve Qui Peut. Barcelona, Athens, and Netherlands are the classic "golden triangle" of escape rooms and have dozens of standouts each. In the SF bay area where I live, Trivium and Omescape in Sunnyvale are fantastic; I'm affiliated with Palace Games in SF and we just launched a sort of hybrid minigolf experience...!
[obligatory tying this back to doorknobs somehow, but you sure did leave one open there for the handful of other weirdos]
Easily one of the best things I've read this week. It helped me unwind from all the conversations I've had and made me reflect a bit.
Thank you!
“It’s easy to assume that givers are virtuous and takers are villainous, but that’s giver propaganda.” Love this. What a fun and visual way of describing conversation. Also cool research focus!
Adam, I thoroughly enjoyed this essay, which a friend recently forwarded to me. I’m excited to explore your other work. Like many people, I enjoy engaging with content in different ways, sometimes reading, sometimes listening, and I really appreciate that you included an audio version.
One suggestion: the audio allows listeners to speed up playback, but not to slow it down. At times, your natural enthusiasm leads you to read quickly, which can make it challenging to fully absorb your ideas. Some listeners, particularly those multitasking, may need a bit more time to process and switch focus. If you intentionally slowed your reading pace, it would provide greater accessibility and flexibility. Those who prefer a faster pace can always increase the playback speed, but a slower delivery would better accommodate everyone.
Thank you again for your thoughtful work. I’m looking forward to more!
Hey man, great essay. I just gotta say, one thing that I noticed as I started was you used the phrase "all of the sudden" instead of "all of a sudden".
Oh God! I'm equally horrified by all my past social interactions while simultaneously relieved to have an idea like doorknobs to save my future social interactions. I'm definitely a taker and conversations absolutely flounder for me , unless on the rare occasion I meet another taker. I've been trying to turn myself into a giver for years and just thought I was bad at conversations or that most people didn't want to talk to me. I love the idea of doorknobs to meet people in the middle.
The doorknob is a particularly useful metaphor for an affordance or a servo mechanism because it is something that we literally grasp with our hands. This makes it easy for us to relate to the idea of grasping (growing) what other people are saying or grasping the message you’re trying to convey. Very useful discussion here. Thank you very much.
I love the commentary you did in the voice over of the article, definitely added significantly to the experience of the article.
The article itself is also brilliant in it's content. You are able to make somewhat abstract ideas easy to visualize and understand even on a first reading. Thank you very much for your work.