I gave up those pointless status tests and feel so good about it when other people try to play me. Wait… did I just play the status game by claiming victory through opting out? 😂
With regard to the "Circle of Hell Test", what I like to share with students is the concept of the "Pac Man Circle". I picked this up from my friend Daniel Angerhausen of The Explainables (he's also an astrophysicist and expert on ML/AI). Basically, when you form a circle with other people to talk but there's a larger group around then you make your circle a Pac Man with a space that allows anyone else to feel welcomed into the circle. If someone takes that space, you introduce them or welcome them and the collectively make a new, larger Pac Man. I use this for the high school students on the trips I lead, and many of them love it.
I really appreciate your ability to sew together threads from different fields and turn those threads into a digestible coda we can all learn from.
More importantly, I love how you make us a bit wiser & kinder while also making us laugh—a rare combination of being serious without taking yourself too seriously.
All of this is a roundabout way of saying thank you & watch out for Ian's return. 🙏
Bravo! This is a great improvement over the "trolley problems" which are way too hypothetical and unrealistic. And I think you are on to something about real ethical change mostly happening in small steps.
OMFG - this should be required reading for everyone. I wish I could have realized this when I was 30+ years younger:
Do you actually want to solve your problem, or are you secretly depending on its continued existence? If you showed up to fight the dragon and found it already slain, would you be elated or disappointed?
After all, a righteous crusade gives you meaning and camaraderie, to the point where you can become addicted to the crusading itself. It is possible to form an entire identity around being mad at things, and to make those things grow by pouring your rage on them, which in turn gives you more things to be mad at. This is, in fact, the business model for approximately half the internet.
I always thought of these small, simple kindnesses as civility in action. These are the small things we do to make the world a kinder place and they require very little time and effort. I often surprised when other people seem oblivious when it comes to these courtesies.
I think, too, these actions have to do with cultivating empathy. The notion that if it bugs me it might also bug someone else.
AND it is up to me to let people know what behaviors I like and do not like. Everyone is different when it comes to what is and is not acceptable. For some reason it always bothers me when someone's off-leash dog comes running at me. I love dogs but off leash dogs make me nervous. I've been bitten more than once by a dog whose owner calls out "Don't worry he's a sweetheart!"
Gosh, the bit about being too busy to bake someone a cake really got me. I have struggled with experiencing this is friends— so many exclamations of “we should hang out!” when I see them at our shared weekly activities but the next comment is about how busy they are, how they never have time for anything, yadda yadda… Yet they always seem to have time for their partners. Like it’s not like they’re completely tapped out of time, they’re just making choices that do not make time for me. Which is fine, but it has been a hard pill to swallow. It’s been helpful to put my friendship focus elsewhere.
I wanna be the kind of friend that bakes cakes for no reason and invites someone over for dinner at the last minute because I can and I want to.
See Tim Kreider's excellent essay, "The 'Busy' Trap". Here's an excerpt:
"Almost everyone I know is busy. They feel anxious and guilty when they aren’t either working or doing something to promote their work. They schedule in time with friends the way students with 4.0 G.P.A.’s make sure to sign up for community service because it looks good on their college applications. I recently wrote a friend to ask if he wanted to do something this week, and he answered that he didn’t have a lot of time but if something was going on to let him know and maybe he could ditch work for a few hours. I wanted to clarify that my question had not been a preliminary heads-up to some future invitation; this _was_ the invitation. But his busyness was like some vast churning noise through which he was shouting out at me, and I gave up trying to shout back over it."
"It’s much easier, of course, to wait for a Road to Damascus moment, to put off any self-improvement to some dramatic day when the sky will open and God will reprimand you directly..."
OK, but sometimes you DO have a moment when you fall to the ground and hear a voice pointing out your moral failings. My moment came when I got a job working with rescued farm animals. I had the realization that, my god, these cows, pigs, and chickens are not so different from my beloved cats. And I haven't eaten any animal products since that time, over 20 years ago.
(OK, honesty forces me to admit that my conversion to veganism wasn't quite as instantaneous as I might have stated above. I believe it took a few months of reflection and included a short, ill-advised phase where I continued eating eggs and dairy, until I found out that there is more cruelty in an egg or a glass of milk than there is in a steak).
I wouldn't eat those, either, for the same reason I wouldn't eat a free-range dog. Animals have preferences, consciousness, autonomy, and interests in their own lives that grant them a right to not be treated as property or resources for our use. (I think my comment about cruelty was misleading in that respect. For me, cruelty isn't exactly _irrelevant_, but it's not at the heart of the issue.)
Commercial egg-laying operations typically keep only female chickens (hens). They have no use for roosters. So when baby roosters are hatched from eggs, they're usually killed, either by suffocation or by grinding them up (alive) in devices that resemble giant garbage disposals. Also, "free range" is a pretty loose term that's not tightly regulated and often doesn't mean much in practice. There are lots of laying facilities that might technically be called free-range but are still pretty awful.
If everyone stopped eating meat then none of those animals would ever exist, and neither would their preferences, consciousness, autonomy, and interests. They exist for you to eat them.
Yeah, I can see that. Reminds me of what Henry Ford allegedly said: "If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses". But I found that people are pretty bad about predicting what I'll like.
You are a much better person than I am, I think. The Bluetooth test had no resonance with me, but the Circle Of Hell test is one, at least, that I think I can put into effect. Thanks!
Wow! What a perpetually useful list of tragic flaws, character defects, unproductive patterns of behaviour, 10 reminders on my Lifelong List! I’m so glad that Adam emphasized how progression along the road to becoming our own best human is the thing! Not thinking we found perfection in any of them. Thx Adam.
This is a magnificent piece of literature. Every time I read your work I hear THE TRUTH underneath. I pray you encounter the way that you are already very close to.
Well, thanks. I'm still striving, in my sixth decade. I realized I didn't listen because I found a wonderful partner who does. I still work on that. I do take the cart back, because it can be in the way of cars and pedestrians and parking lots are surprisingly dangerous. I've found most people are not consciously thoughtless (did you see what I did there?), and sometimes need reminding. After a car bit off one foot, I needed those handicap parking places, and still do sometimes. I met a man who'd been in the Paralympics for racing, but if the handicap spots were full, he had to go home. Wheelchairs need extra room. I'd leave a note on those cars without a hangtag reading, "People missing body parts, in pain, need these spaces. I hope you never have that need." I don't know if that worked, but once - once! - I said similar to a man in a handicap spot who initially told me he'd "be there just for a second, I'm waiting for someone." I pointed out that could be long enough for someone who needed it to go home. His expression changed to one of horor as he exclaimed, "I never thought about that," and he backed out and moved. I can be thoughtless, inconsiderate, reactive. I hope one day that I am more like my partner: thoughtful, considerate, responsive.
I hope this comment comes across as well as your writing.
I gave up those pointless status tests and feel so good about it when other people try to play me. Wait… did I just play the status game by claiming victory through opting out? 😂
I don’t know, but the first concert I went to was Jimi Hendrix.
With regard to the "Circle of Hell Test", what I like to share with students is the concept of the "Pac Man Circle". I picked this up from my friend Daniel Angerhausen of The Explainables (he's also an astrophysicist and expert on ML/AI). Basically, when you form a circle with other people to talk but there's a larger group around then you make your circle a Pac Man with a space that allows anyone else to feel welcomed into the circle. If someone takes that space, you introduce them or welcome them and the collectively make a new, larger Pac Man. I use this for the high school students on the trips I lead, and many of them love it.
Great post!
I really appreciate your ability to sew together threads from different fields and turn those threads into a digestible coda we can all learn from.
More importantly, I love how you make us a bit wiser & kinder while also making us laugh—a rare combination of being serious without taking yourself too seriously.
All of this is a roundabout way of saying thank you & watch out for Ian's return. 🙏
Bravo! This is a great improvement over the "trolley problems" which are way too hypothetical and unrealistic. And I think you are on to something about real ethical change mostly happening in small steps.
OMFG - this should be required reading for everyone. I wish I could have realized this when I was 30+ years younger:
Do you actually want to solve your problem, or are you secretly depending on its continued existence? If you showed up to fight the dragon and found it already slain, would you be elated or disappointed?
After all, a righteous crusade gives you meaning and camaraderie, to the point where you can become addicted to the crusading itself. It is possible to form an entire identity around being mad at things, and to make those things grow by pouring your rage on them, which in turn gives you more things to be mad at. This is, in fact, the business model for approximately half the internet.
I always thought of these small, simple kindnesses as civility in action. These are the small things we do to make the world a kinder place and they require very little time and effort. I often surprised when other people seem oblivious when it comes to these courtesies.
I think, too, these actions have to do with cultivating empathy. The notion that if it bugs me it might also bug someone else.
AND it is up to me to let people know what behaviors I like and do not like. Everyone is different when it comes to what is and is not acceptable. For some reason it always bothers me when someone's off-leash dog comes running at me. I love dogs but off leash dogs make me nervous. I've been bitten more than once by a dog whose owner calls out "Don't worry he's a sweetheart!"
One of the best meditations on humility I've read in a long while. Thanks.
Gosh, the bit about being too busy to bake someone a cake really got me. I have struggled with experiencing this is friends— so many exclamations of “we should hang out!” when I see them at our shared weekly activities but the next comment is about how busy they are, how they never have time for anything, yadda yadda… Yet they always seem to have time for their partners. Like it’s not like they’re completely tapped out of time, they’re just making choices that do not make time for me. Which is fine, but it has been a hard pill to swallow. It’s been helpful to put my friendship focus elsewhere.
I wanna be the kind of friend that bakes cakes for no reason and invites someone over for dinner at the last minute because I can and I want to.
See Tim Kreider's excellent essay, "The 'Busy' Trap". Here's an excerpt:
"Almost everyone I know is busy. They feel anxious and guilty when they aren’t either working or doing something to promote their work. They schedule in time with friends the way students with 4.0 G.P.A.’s make sure to sign up for community service because it looks good on their college applications. I recently wrote a friend to ask if he wanted to do something this week, and he answered that he didn’t have a lot of time but if something was going on to let him know and maybe he could ditch work for a few hours. I wanted to clarify that my question had not been a preliminary heads-up to some future invitation; this _was_ the invitation. But his busyness was like some vast churning noise through which he was shouting out at me, and I gave up trying to shout back over it."
https://archive.nytimes.com/opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/
I enjoy hearing busy people discuss White Lotus.
"It’s much easier, of course, to wait for a Road to Damascus moment, to put off any self-improvement to some dramatic day when the sky will open and God will reprimand you directly..."
OK, but sometimes you DO have a moment when you fall to the ground and hear a voice pointing out your moral failings. My moment came when I got a job working with rescued farm animals. I had the realization that, my god, these cows, pigs, and chickens are not so different from my beloved cats. And I haven't eaten any animal products since that time, over 20 years ago.
(OK, honesty forces me to admit that my conversion to veganism wasn't quite as instantaneous as I might have stated above. I believe it took a few months of reflection and included a short, ill-advised phase where I continued eating eggs and dairy, until I found out that there is more cruelty in an egg or a glass of milk than there is in a steak).
Gotta go with free-range cows and chickens.
I wouldn't eat those, either, for the same reason I wouldn't eat a free-range dog. Animals have preferences, consciousness, autonomy, and interests in their own lives that grant them a right to not be treated as property or resources for our use. (I think my comment about cruelty was misleading in that respect. For me, cruelty isn't exactly _irrelevant_, but it's not at the heart of the issue.)
So what about free-range eggs?
Commercial egg-laying operations typically keep only female chickens (hens). They have no use for roosters. So when baby roosters are hatched from eggs, they're usually killed, either by suffocation or by grinding them up (alive) in devices that resemble giant garbage disposals. Also, "free range" is a pretty loose term that's not tightly regulated and often doesn't mean much in practice. There are lots of laying facilities that might technically be called free-range but are still pretty awful.
If everyone stopped eating meat then none of those animals would ever exist, and neither would their preferences, consciousness, autonomy, and interests. They exist for you to eat them.
As a DJ by avocation, my "bluetooth" scenario goal would be to play the music that people present love, but ideally *don't know yet.*
I guess that could be scored thoughtful or showoff.
Yeah, I can see that. Reminds me of what Henry Ford allegedly said: "If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses". But I found that people are pretty bad about predicting what I'll like.
You are a much better person than I am, I think. The Bluetooth test had no resonance with me, but the Circle Of Hell test is one, at least, that I think I can put into effect. Thanks!
Born to Run *is* superior to Born in the USA! 🥳
Wow! What a perpetually useful list of tragic flaws, character defects, unproductive patterns of behaviour, 10 reminders on my Lifelong List! I’m so glad that Adam emphasized how progression along the road to becoming our own best human is the thing! Not thinking we found perfection in any of them. Thx Adam.
🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦
This is a magnificent piece of literature. Every time I read your work I hear THE TRUTH underneath. I pray you encounter the way that you are already very close to.
This was my favourite article of yours so far, when I already love your writing
Well, thanks. I'm still striving, in my sixth decade. I realized I didn't listen because I found a wonderful partner who does. I still work on that. I do take the cart back, because it can be in the way of cars and pedestrians and parking lots are surprisingly dangerous. I've found most people are not consciously thoughtless (did you see what I did there?), and sometimes need reminding. After a car bit off one foot, I needed those handicap parking places, and still do sometimes. I met a man who'd been in the Paralympics for racing, but if the handicap spots were full, he had to go home. Wheelchairs need extra room. I'd leave a note on those cars without a hangtag reading, "People missing body parts, in pain, need these spaces. I hope you never have that need." I don't know if that worked, but once - once! - I said similar to a man in a handicap spot who initially told me he'd "be there just for a second, I'm waiting for someone." I pointed out that could be long enough for someone who needed it to go home. His expression changed to one of horor as he exclaimed, "I never thought about that," and he backed out and moved. I can be thoughtless, inconsiderate, reactive. I hope one day that I am more like my partner: thoughtful, considerate, responsive.
I hope this comment comes across as well as your writing.